This Was Your Life
by anesor
Summary: NWN2 - an exercise in critical junction points. It grew out of trying to figure out how the love interests got their almost 'fatal' flaws. Each chapter is a stand alone/one shot, post OC/post MOTB.
1. Regretless

Most of these characters aren't mine, but I, too, wish some of them were.

x - x

_-Bishop _

_It was the chaos of combat, the blood spatter, the tang of blood, even if some of it was his own. Free at last to do whatever he felt like again. Killing the morons he'd had to suffer for months was icing on the cake._

_The idiot dwarf was going to be first, though he'd get to the precious paladin in due time. He'd save their commander for last... once more for old time's sake. He could feel his smile freeze into place, despite her yammering. She could just keep hoping he'd grow into a tame wolf until it was too late. This should be fun, how he could taunt her, and draw it out._

_He snarled, and looked at his companion, who was blocking her attack. She was too soft on him too, with treats and ear scratches all the time. But Karnwyr was him, willing enough for treats, but never seduced. _

_His companion was down, and she was standing over the wolf's body with only a glint in her eyes. _

_The dwarf ceded the combat to her, after only a token protest. This should be fun in a different way, she obviously thought she could take him on._

_Heh. He was too funny. _

_And said as much, but her face didn't change this time. Excellent, a rage would make her sloppy. He told her that once, back when he gave a rat's ass._

_They engaged, and he was shocked at the power behind her blow even as he parried. Hmm, maybe this might last long enough to be interesting. Mocking her magic was so easy, but she still didn't react. Maybe she wasn't in a rage..._

_When his blade stopped moving as he wished, he realized he was falling. She was covered in blood now, and he saw her tears tracking through the blood as his vision faded._

_x - x_

I woke feeling fine in a small, empty theater. The stage and seats were empty, but the area echoed with laughter. A strange laughter.

Enough of this crap. I got up to leave, and saw there were no exits from the room. There must be a stage door. There were no steps to the stage, but no problem, it wasn't that much of a leap

As soon as I touched the stage, the backdrop faded, and I saw the back wall. A wall of faces and bone, still strangely alive and making all sorts of unsettling groans of agony. It felt strangely familiar. There was no backstage to the right or left, only a few chairs on the stage.

The laughter faded a little, and a voice with the rich projection of a carnival barker spoke over the quieting audience, "Welcome, Bishop. Yes, that is your fate, and this is what little remains of your life. Have a seat in the audience, this is a show just for you."

I sat on one of the stage chairs, to the sound of his laughter, and that of many others I couldn't see.

"Ornery until the end, eh? Give him a hand, folks, delaying his journey just for us, not that he has a choice, anymore..." he said as he waved at me as if I was a whore with three breasts on display.

There was more laughter, and some applause from the nonexistent audience. That demented gnome would have been in ecstasy.

He stopped smiling and said, "Folks, your attention please. Yon weary traveler, has much to show us on the fleeting nature of true choice, even as a child he enjoyed bullying some larger than he..."

The stage area was now filled with an image of a small village street, a far too familiar street, where a small brown boy was beating a somewhat larger one. The beating took a while, as it was clumsy. But the larger child started to try to escape, and stayed right in front of me. The other child, me, kept sliding away with each attempted escape, but I still managed to beat him, almost to a pulp.

Some adult came up and restrained me talking nonsense, just as before. Stopping me by force when words did not do it.

His voice full of mockery, he declaimed, "Here was his first real choice, where he was free to determine his path through life. We've seen how that worked out, with him here so young. But what if he had chosen the other path...?"

I wasn't going to listen to this crap, anything was better... I ran for the back wall of the stage.

And bounced off some invisible force.

"Look at that, folks, he already forgot that he doesn't have any more choices. He's used them all up. Only the living can choose." His laughter was more demonic now.

I went out to sit in the third row, at least the images wouldn't be as dizzying offstage.

"Meanwhile, if he had chosen a different path, he would have controlled his temper a bit, and not drawn the attention of Luskan recruitment..." The ass's voice was more considering now.

The image, now much easier on the eyes, showed a stranger passing through the village. Once at the inn and twice on the street, he wrote notes after my childhood skirmishes, and left the village after a couple days. Later I was hauled off like a kicking and screaming sack of flour, and shoved into their indoctrination.

"This is what could have happened," the ass said dryly.

The child me stopped after a couple punches, and dragged the larger child off to the swimming hole. After a time or two, where it was the two of them against larger opponents, they were apprenticing and growing into adults. I looked the same, minus the scars. Bedded some wenches, married, and settled in some small town after trading in leathers. The town was unfamiliar to me, and I had several children, followed by grandchildren as I aged. When I died, many grieved.

This was far different than being taken away from all I knew, to be someone else's pawn. And probably only one grieved for me, ever.

"But we mustn't blame him too much for that choice, some bullies grow out of it, especially once they get a taste of the other side. But he wasn't that bright..."

The laughter surged around me again, and I looked for anything to smash. But I had nothing beyond some simple clothing, and the seats were hard as metal.

"That could have been his life, the life of a leather merchant..."

x - x

"How do you like that folks? He would have done well in the life of a sheep, a life below the notice of the powerful and strong..."

The laughter was growing again as I circled the audience area, looking for a hidden exit.

The smile was evident in his voice, "But we all know that that wasn't his path anymore, someone wanted to harness that anger for their own uses, and so made their own changes..."

The images were now of my training, in weapons, in stealth, in patience for the pounce. But they were always telling me what, where and when to do everything. Now older, I destroyed the piddling village and the others, barely escaping with my own life.

I didn't have to watch this, I still dreamed of it occasionally. But I found no secret exits, and sat in the back row.

"Here we see one of his larger choices. With so many possible paths. Who should he kill? The ones who enslaved him for years? Or the ones who were still lucky enough to be free? His masters had him convinced villagers were worthless and he quickly jumped to obey their command to go there, to kill. Good dog!"

More laughter, and I'd bitten my lip, though I didn't taste any copper and felt little pain.

"He could have followed his orders, and killed the villagers..."

The image showed a bloodbath in the village, but where I advanced rapidly as a assassin. I had wealth, and bimbos, and plenty of violence. But I was only their tool. In the flicker of many deaths, I saw a dead Nevalle, while I laughed. Good, he always was a pain in the ass. No warrior should look that pretty.

Next I saw myself dying, at the feet of Nasher. She had killed me, but no tears this time and she was barely injured. No one else I knew was there. I died as I had lived, alone, and ordered to it as a worthless pawn.

_I growled, "End this, now!"_

The voice was smug, "He remembers he has a voice, but still no choice. His life choices are the scope of this course, and its not yet time for an intermission."

"That could have been his life, the life of a Luskan assassin..."

x - x

"But that pivot point had several choices, what if he'd selected the other one, the third he never saw?"

The image was back to the village, but this time I roused the village. A few followed my direction, enough that I was again the only survivor of the attackers, but most of the villagers survived. My family had been long gone. Once the village was marked for death, the villagers had to go, and they gathered their possessions before they followed me into the woods. We all then burnt the village to disguise our departure. The group gradually shrank as we passed through other towns and villages. Karnwyr appeared in these images, a much healthier looking wolf than I remembered from those days.

I stopped looking, and stared at the floor. The laughter started again, and laughed in fits and spurts.

After a while I looked up again, and the image was not moving.

The voice I was beginning to hate, sniggered, "You didn't think you would avoid this that easily? This is all for you, you have only one choice in this show, and it will probably pass you by, like all of these..."

The image of Karnwyr began to run again. The I of this story spent a much longer time with Malin harrying Luskans and enjoying respites in larger towns. Some shadows killed her, and I barely survived the war. I'd lost an eye, and settled, training others in woodcraft and spy-hunting. I'd aged a bit more before dying, while fighting a large group of Luskans with others.

"That could have been his life, the life of a good ranger..."

x - x

"But he didn't make either of those choices, and so nearly died from his double betrayal at the village. You'd think that might have been a clue, but no, he could only hate the one who saved him... Does anyone want to send him a clue?"

A chorus of laughter and catcalls came as Duncan got me back on my feet. I'd never known why, but I could see in the image a possibility. I was still undergrown, and in my leathers there was the faintest of resemblance to Daeghun. They'd been estranged from what She'd said, long before I met Duncan.

"But what would he do with his new-found freedom from the Luskans? Stay to the shadows and strike, as they wanted?"

I recovered and took only enough violent and nasty work to feed my habits for ale and wenching. Duncan tolerated me, and in return I refrained from misbehaving too much in the Flagon.

"But what if he had forged his own path? Come out of the shadows and learned a few things he'd missed?"

Here Duncan became almost a soused mentor, teaching me people, and there was no debt or force. Karnwyr was here as well, but I'd been hired as a guide for many adventuring groups who got lost at the drop of a hat. I'd seen much more of the realms, and was wealthy enough to be a partner of a much nicer Flagon. I helped guide Duncan's niece a time or two, and slept with her a time or two, but ended up a guest at her wedding at the Keep. Eventually I'd had a series of lovers who started life at the Mask, but I was happier on the road, and died with my boots on.

There had been no laughter for this tale.

"That could have been his life, the life of a friend..."

x - x

"_How much longer do I have to listen to your dribble?"_

"He speaks! Now is our intermission, where lemonade and little baked cakes are served at the back of the theater. But that's not in the budget, so you'll have to imagine it instead. We all know you can imagine things out of nothing already, so a sweet drink should not be a problem.

"Do you yet see why you are here"

"_I only see that I could have been richer if I gave a damn about money!"_

The snide voice continued, "Very good, that is part of the answer, you could have been much richer, but not just money. You had chances for what you secretly wanted and more. But feel free to wear the hoodwink a bit longer... I won't mind..."

His laughter got dark again, as did all the other voices now. I looked around as it was coming from all directions. I was still alone.

"_Bring on your next lecture, I want it over!"_

x - x

Back in the rich tones of a master of ceremonies, the voice said, "But look! He's floated along for years, just indulging in wine, women, and song. Well, not much song, but the occasional pipe instead. His next choice was rather simple..."

The I of the visions was in the Flagon again, and I knew what was coming this time. The attack in the night, the Luskan branch, the calling in of a debt. This time, I saw the anger, sympathy, and sadness when I was trading barbs with Duncan on several faces in the group. That sympathy was rapidly erased as we traveled, and by the time Shandra had been rescued, only their leader seemed to care at all. There were far fewer lustful glances than I remembered.

The speaker began to laugh again. "He finally realizes, its not all about his prowess. But what alternate story could there have been, even this late in your error?"

Back to the night of the attack, with people boiling out of their rooms in various stages of dress to fight. They were fighters, even that idiot gnome. This time I offered to guide them, like any other group, and Duncan never even came into the meeting. But when we got back, I'd had their pay, and he canceled the debt anyway. I'd gotten a little friendly with several in the group, and even the paladin tolerated me more. The whirlwind of action was intoxicating, and hunting these foes was far more rewarding than Luskans. So I was with them for most of the war, taking breaks as I wished, and sleeping with all of the women at one time or another. That fun ended when I really saw the Shadowmere, spreading like a forest fire, with nothing in its path. But there would be no regrowth from this fire, Elanee's circle showed that.

So I was with them until the end, and after killing dozens of Kings and making our ways back to the Sword Coast, we all got hero's welcomes.

It was so strange seeing people give me respect. Karnwyr was a happy glutton. Much of the party scattered, but some stayed in or around the Keep, or at least visited. I got even more than just treasure, and ended up traveling with Neeshka, on what looked to be a permanent basis. I aged slowly, too slowly, as the paladin died of old age before I had much more than gray.

"That could have been his life, the life of a hero..."

x - x

"_Aren't you done yet? I'm running out of life to have choices in."_

He stopped laughing, and said thoughtfully, "Yes. Yes, you are. This is the next junction point in your life. When you had traveled with them for months..."

The other voices were gone, and I could nearly hear the images now.

I was back at the Keep, and the preparations for war were in hand. She was scouring the shops, getting me and all the rest the best armor, weapons, and magic she could afford, stripping herself and the Keep's funds. But I hadn't seen that she passed on to me, one of her own protective rings along with the new swords. Otherwise, it pretty much happened as I remembered it. But she hadn't slept with the paladin, and held him off from chasing me then. Later, she took the ring off my body, before killing the Shadowking. She eventually returned to Neverwinter, but not to the Keep, still wearing the ring as a sell-sword.

The voice showed a special level of sarcasm, "You begin to see where the other path is going..."

This time I watched the paladin leave her on the wall that night, instead of fleeing myself. And I spoke from the shadows to her.

I could feel myself saying, "I won't be tied down."

"Have I asked you to? Go, if you wish. Stay, if you wish. I will not bind you to my fate against the Shadowjerk. You might even..." her voice caught. "You may even get far enough away if I fail. So, go. Any weaknesses I have will be exploited. I must kill him to have any choices of my own. You have a chance to go, now before the siege starts."

I asked, "What about the paladin?"

She turned to look out over the empty village. "He's sweet. But I doubt I could ever choose him. If we survive, I will have to try to fix him up with someone nice."

"He's staying?"

"Of course, he's pledged his support, and he is a friend. He's just a bit too sheltered."

I was saying flatly, along with the image, "Do you want me to stay?"

She bit her lip, saying, "Yes. No. It doesn't matter what I want, not anymore. I'm in the funnel, and can't do anything until I come out the other side..."

I and the image said, with a different emphasis, coming out in a growl, "Do you want me to stay?"

"Gods help me, yes," she finally said in a tiny voice.

Lunging for her, she was as soft and warm as I'd always wanted. We kissed, with all of our pent up feelings on the parapet. We barely made our way to her quarters.

Afterwards she asked me quietly, "Leave the Keep, please? I want you safe and free, as I'm not."

The image and I said, "Now I can't cover your ass from there, so you're stuck with me." I began to kiss her again, going more slowly to savor it this time.

Hours later, her door burst open as the attack was getting underway. She was a bit embarrassed, as it was most of the party. Sand and Neeshka were settling some bet, and she took the paladin aside for a quick chat.

They both looked sad after that, but she returned to me for a kiss before dressing.

The attack went much as before but losses were much lighter, and more of the shadows were destroyed before they retreated to the Mere. Gaius and the king of shadows were still a pain, but Qara was the only real turncoat this time. Neeshka and Grobnar took care of her without any help, and with a lot of glee. The... shadowjerk wasn't that bad, not that much harder than that red dragon was. Separated when the gate exploded, I found her after several months far away, and we came back to the Keep. We aged together, though we didn't marry and I'd often leave for long periods. She was always there when I came back. After a while, I stopped leaving as much. She never became a noble bitch, and ran the keep as she ran the party, with tolerance and humor. I finally asked her to marry me, years later when we were white haired, and it was a small wedding with all the surviving party, including Casavir, his grandchildren, and the blessings of the gods.

"That could have been his life, the life of a beloved..."

x - x

There were no voices, no laughter, only the faint moans and lamentations from the Wall.

I found myself on my knees in the middle of the still moving images on the stage where only my double could touch and feel her.

"_Gods, why do this to me now? When it's too late?"_ I managed to ask through a pain in my chest.

His unseen voice was deeper now, and echoed many voices at once. "Because she asked it from the time you fell until the gate was destroyed, and every day afterwards. We owed much, so you received once last chance to avoid that fate. But only if it was your choice..."

The stage and seating dissolved, and I was surrounded by several luminescences in blue, green, or red. They brightened until all I saw was white.

x - x

I took a deep breath of moisture laden air, laden with foul muck and faint scents of growing things. I was in an open air pit with bits of debris in late afternoon light.

A movement caught my eye, and she moved into view, looking much older, but wearing that ring again.

I looked at my hands and myself, I was intact if a little chilly. She got an arm under my shoulders to lift me up, even as I asked, "How long?"

She grunted as she did most of the lifting. I was weak as a kitten.

Then she said, matter of factly, "almost twelve years. It took me that long to free my soul, get powerful enough magics, and find your sorry hide. Sorry, I couldn't get Karnwyr, too."

"Why? The prayers? The search?"

"You were the only thing I really screwed up with in the war. I didn't want it to end with that, but it took me too long to get back for the normal spells."

Thinking for a moment, I saw that she was dragging me towards a well-established campsite.

I muttered something, trying to hide a grin.

She said, "What?"

I repeated my near whisper.

She bent closer to hear me.

I kissed her cheek, saying, "Thanks." While she looked at me in surprise.


	2. Silences

_All their characters aren't mine, by this time you should know which ones they are._

x x

_--Casavir _

_The battle has been long. With each death and each betrayal, he closed off more so he could continue the fight. He hoped he would have time to mourn later, but that was not what in his heart of hearts he expected, so he thought only a brief prayer at each fall, whether from betrayal or death._

_Their Commander was almost an automaton, calling attacks and conserving what magic she had. She'd had far closer ties to those who'd died... and those who betrayed her, only to die by her hand. The ice forming with each attack was fearsome, he almost wished for the hot fury of a rage over this cold._

_But at last, the last of the doppleganger kings was destroyed. They were fewer than when they started, and he was bone weary and injured, as were they all._

_He was feeling leery of using the enemy gate, and was going to suggest they escape on foot, when the earth was shaking, no convulsing. Huge chunks of the ceiling were loosening, and dangling. They no longer had the luxury of a choice. The Commander was yelling, chivvying the weary party towards the gate._

_He saw the large chunk above her, and knew what was going to happen. He always knew it would come to this, even as he leapt over and shoved her towards the gate, with a scream of a prayer even as his vision went black..._

x x

I woke up in a pew, feeling briefly ashamed that I had fallen asleep at prayer, as I had not in many years.

Looking around, this was not the temple in Neverwinter as it first appeared. This smaller room had the same general proportions, but had no statues, no candles, no iconography. It was only a bare room with a few pews in the very middle. And I was alone.

This was not what I'd expected from the afterlife, though I did feel strangely calm and somewhat happy. I took a moment to pray for my friends, that they would survive and be happy, especially her.

As I was praying I could hear a tower bell, tolling in the distance. It must have been for a funeral, as the tolls kept coming until I lost count.

Wondering, I rose from the pew, stepped to the aisle, and turned around, looking at the rest of the space I was in.

There was no altar, and only four rows of pews. Behind where the altar should be, was a huge stained glass window, but all the glass was clear. There was an exit some distance behind the last pew. On either side of the exit was a pair of small basins, each with a single burning candle among many. Beside the door was the symbol for the rectory, the private rooms of the temple. The air was scented with the smell of incense, though I saw no source. In the front of the room was a large stained glass window which began changing images, though it included symbols of Tyr sometimes, along with other gods' that I could identify, and some I could not.

I paced around the room, hoping for some sign of a concealed door or another exit, when the tolling came to an end.

"Welcome, Sir Casavir, of Tyr."

I turned, and saw an aasimar standing in front of the pews with a faint smile on... its face.

My voice seemed very rusty, when I asked, "Why am I here?"

In a voice that echoed many whispers, it said, "You may ask anything you wish, but there is little I can answer. I am here merely as a proctor for a judgement."

I almost shrank from that, there was still much I was ashamed of in my life, and I was now past any further chance of repentance and atonement.

"Fear not. This is not about those mortal failings, inherent to life, but a different set of tests and lessons.

I did not feel any better, I've erred in so many ways in my life.

"Please, take your place," it said, waving at the pews.

I took a seat in the front row, wondering at the scope of this judgment.

"Attend, petitioner! You will be expected to illuminate this flaw of yours. While not a sin, it's weight compounded all the other challenges of this life. Perhaps if it can be understood, others will walk a better path..."

My heart was heavy, hearing of a failing of this magnitude, but the thought that I could still help some others gave me hope.

"Behold, this is your own book of days, the days of what was not wine and roses, but weapons and battle. On the first day, you were a ward of the temple of Tyr in Neverwinter..."

And the glass window was no longer plain glass, with nothing behind it, but I could see the streets of Neverwinter, with a small gang of children running towards the docks. I remembered all the excitement of days when a ship from an exotic port would arrive. And there I was in the mob, near the front, in my worn but sturdy clothing, running pell-mell for the water.

I'd spotted a draft horse with a heavy wagon, and remembered sliding to a stop, while my cohorts continued on. The horse was being beaten, though I could see it was only putting weight on three hooves. The drayer was incensed, and was whipping until it bled. I remembered climbing up to get his attention, but not how precarious the kegs were balanced when I jumped and grabbed at the whip. Succeeding at knocking it away, I landed near the horse and tried to figure out how it was injured.

But now, I had the drayer's attention, and he had retrieved the whip and started to use it on me. I yelled something at him, I don't remember what, but probably rude, and saw a touch of blue fire about me as I yelled. That stopped the threat, and I'd turned back to the draft horse. I'd wanted it to be better, I never even saw the brief flare of more blue fire around myself and the horse. I remembered Jerrin and Troi pulling me back to my feet, and dragging me back home to the temple.

When I woke that evening, the schoolmaster had some questions for me, which I was too tired to evade, and so I was re-enrolled as a postulant instead of a foundling.

"But what would have happened if you had chosen not to speak? If you had been silent as many a young lad was when pressed by teachers...?"

This time I was in a snit at being woken and very hungry, and returned rudeness and crude half-understood gestures for concern. I was then left alone that evening. The next day I had a visitor in fine clothing, my first. The owner of the brewery had heard of the incident and wanted to speak to me. More polite as I'd had sleep and food, but he seemed to like me. I left the temple, I thought as apprentice in a brewery, but my clothing changed to be much finer. I seemed I was adopted. As I grew, the blue fire never returned, but I came to direct more than just a brewery, but later other business concerns in the city and beyond. Mature now, I was wearing a cadet coat of arms and moving amongst the nobility. The shadowwar came, and she was being presented as the hope of the city after defeating that brute in single combat. But "I" didn't care, and was more concerned about shipping disruptions and ruined vintages. The city was devastated, but I was fine and married another with bluer blood and raised a family...

"_This could have been your path, that of the petty merchant nobility..._"

x x

"What do these two alternatives reveal, petitioner?" it whispered across my thoughts.

I spoke, fairly sure this wasn't what it wanted, "That the city did better the way I lived?"

"No, this judgment is not about the city and its flaws. This is truly all about you."

I quailed at this. My life had been about service, and this celestial was implying I'd been wrong.

"NO! Wrong lesson! Admitting your calling was one of your victories. Instead, let us examine the next time in your book of days, when your actions had such a heavy page to turn."

As I feared, the next began was when I was packing to leave the city. Angry, broken-hearted, in so much pain, wanting only to get away from it, and also to serve in whatever way an oath-breaking fallen one could do. I found my way to Old Owl, not wanting to even speak to people who might have known of me before. First, I fought single scouts, and then pairs, and then more. Never quite getting myself killed, until I'd picked up a survivor here and there and was surprised to find myself, not as fallen as I'd thought, and leading that rag-tag group. It seemed fitting, as I was so rag-tag myself. The years had passed, with little changing, until the Shard bearer broke the stalemate.

Her force was sadly more effective, despite her youth. And I was ashamed to remember how full of envy I was.

Nevertheless, I'd asked to be allowed to help, to contribute my knowledge to clearing the Well of its siege. And in less time than I thought it was possible, the Well was free and I was sending the remnants of my troop back to the city to make new lives. On the eve of a war I had not known was coming.

"And the other side of the page?" came quietly.

Here, I did not speak to her, but returned to my troop, determined to find another cause to give my group purpose. Heartened, we found another place that needed help. But my envy had left a bitter seed of pride, and my troop did not do as well on our next task. They all died, far too quickly. I was left, to alone try to make a difference. I'd never even heard of the Shadow war, and died in battle, alone against impossible odds, only a little grayer, still the Katalmach.

"_This could have been your path, that of the paladin of the wilderness..._"

x x

"So did you take the correct or incorrect path?" my proctor asked.

"Correct." This I was sure of, I'd accomplished so much more in reality

"But more importantly, **why** was it correct?"

"Because so many more were saved by fighting the Shadow King than remote threats." I was proud of what we'd done.

It shook its head, "Another of the deadly sins... and in a paladin yet. But so many paladins fall to pride, armored as they are against the rest.

"You forgot what I'd said, this is about you. If you had chosen the wilderness, the shard bearer may have succeeded anyway. Or another may have stepped up, perhaps the ranger you hated so, might not have betrayed them without your jealous threats and orders..."

I could not think for the chaos of feelings. If my heart could have stopped, it would have, and I wanted to beat myself for the jealousy and shame of it all. I had made it worse in my self-righteousness.

I dropped to my knees and began a chant of repentance, in grief and shame for my actions.

Eventually the prayer reached its end, and drained, I saw the celestial was still standing there expectantly.

Gently, it said, "Remember, this is not about your mortal failings, whether envy, jealously, or even lust, as rarely as you allowed yourself that. No, you made the right choice here, but for a reason you still do not see. You have blinded yourself, which is why we are here. To see if this flaw adds its weight to your sins or your virtues.

"The next day your paths diverged was important to many, when you had to leave a neophyte to a blessing vigil in the temple you'd once fled..."

I noticed that the glass was less an obstacle, the pieces were larger and I could see the scene more clearly this time.

I was looking out on the chapel of the temple, where vigils were done, and she was settling for the night. Others had visited her, the dwarf and even the ranger, but she remained. Then I saw myself arrive and speak. I'd wanted to protect her, and take her place against the Luskan killer. She was capable, but I could not see why she was insisting to fight. Even later, once I learned she knew him from childhood, I still could not quite understand why she felt she had to do it. She'd been so upset to return to West Haven with his effects.

But I didn't know it then, and insisted that she was too important... to risk against this killer. She'd looked at me sadly, and said 'no' and then good night.

My proctor asked, in brushing whispers, "What truth did you omit in that plea, paladin?"

I blinked, and looked at him in puzzlement. My desperation then, was clouding my thoughts even now.

"Ah, you still don't know. Well, this is what could have happened, if you'd pushed her sadness that much harder..."

But this time I would not leave, desperate to take her place in the coming duel. After several hours of almost argument, she finally agreed that I could substitute for her. But, tired, I was sloppy in my form and he finished me fairly quickly. But I was dying happy, because she was safe.

"_This could have been your path, that of the martyr..._"

x x

But this time, the images did not stop, and I saw the Luskan did not stop with killing me, but went after her anyway. She had been...distracted and he'd nearly killed her with the first blow. Horrified, I watched as all the rest of the party, with precious little help from the authorities, take him down. But she now had a second nasty scar, crossing the one from the shard, and Torio was still freely in the city...

"Yes, mar**tyr**dom, sounds like something Tyr would bless. But is it accepting the costs of victory, or seeking holy suicide? Even Tyr's own sacrifices were to serve the good. But this martyrdom didn't accomplish much, as she still nearly died, and you never knew it. All you had given yourself was the illusion of a victory, you gave nothing to your cause.

"So, yes, you chose the correct path, though this was nearly as much her decision as your own. Yours was letting her fight her own battle, keeping faith that she could, even if you didn't understand."

"Please..." I found myself saying.

"Please, what? Do you even know what you ask?" it asked sternly.

I shook my head and bowed down, weary.

"Child. Rest and meditate a time. I will return."

And with that, I was alone again in the near-temple.

I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for my friends. I prayed for her.

I fell into sleep, or something like it, and woke again, felling only slightly less weary, but calmer again.

Still alone, I went back to the fonts, and lit a small candle at each, with another prayer.

I considered entering the private rooms, but I had no reason, no emergency to justify it, and so returned to the pew to contemplate the ever changing glass window.

Just as I could feel myself becoming restless, the proctor reappeared.

"And now, petitioner, we come to the crux, the point where this flaw had its greatest impact. Have you cleared your vision?"

Gravely, I said, "I hope so, Proctor."

The image in the window shifted from that of Selune, to a starry evening on the battlements of the Crossroads Keep. The attack was immanent, but enough divinations revealed it would not be tonight, when I sought her out.

And having found her, looking out over the suddenly barren countryside, all I'd wanted to say had flown and I found myself as graceless as a teenager. She looked at me expectantly, and I managed to get part of it out, about the coming battle.

She smiled sadly, and I found myself there again, breathing deeply of the cool night air. But I was speaking again, trying to say something truer, but it came out so wrong, a muddled mess of duty, and hope, and feelings. I was only an observer, and I said it all again.

She started to turn me down, but turned, and looked over the village again for a moment. Before leading me in to her suite. We made love, like it was the last thing we would ever do, a farewell. And in the morning, she still looked a little sad, when the first confrontation came, with the ranger. The battles went as before: the betrayal, the desperate defense, that Shadow King's warren, my death. And I was back in the near-temple.

But I still didn't know if she made it through the gate.

"Please tell me! Did she make it through the gate?"

The celestial sighed. "This is your story. That is her story. Once dead, your pathways are gone."

"But you showed me of Lorne," I objected.

"That was to show you the pointlessness of martyrdom. Your real influence ended with your last breath.

"The King of Shadows was dead before you. You accomplished your mission, you won. Isn't that all you said your party needed to do?"

"Yes," I admitted with a heavy heart.

After a pregnant pause, the voice of the proctor said, "What if you had waited, just a bit longer, instead of muddling the last night?"

This time I spoke only of the coming battle and strategy, after a while, the others found us and drifted into the discussion as well. It was somehow easier to plan our desperate battle tactics up here in the dark. The ranger left the discussion and the Keep, vowing this wasn't his fight, they'd be back in a few days if we were still alive. I pledged myself as guard to her, but the gate held this time. I directed the Greycloaks, while she ordered the party and spellcasters. There were still many deaths, but not as many. And I was her right hand going into the warren. Qara turned, and Neeshka had to be knocked out, and Garius had been very hard to kill, only dying instants before the Shadowking's arrival. He was still destroyed, but the Commander was still so sad when the ceiling started coming down. In front to protect her, I hadn't seen it coming this time, and Khelgar had to drag me through, both of us in tears.

"_This could have been your path, that of the Hero's lieutenant..._"

x x

The proctor said, "You're two for two there. You beat the Shadowking both times, and saved Neverwinter, and probably beyond."

"But I pledged to protect her! And she died!"

"You did, you protected her from Garius and the Shadow King and all their minions. I don't think protecting someone from gravity is on the list of blessings paladins receive. You all accomplished your goal of saving Neverwinter, and she is now with the gods. It was quick, and relatively painless. What could be better for her?"

My heart was in my throat, and I wanted to cry out, but nothing came.

The proctor continued, "But this point had several paths, what if you had NOT spoken only of tactics and combat?"

I looked at the window again, and the glass panes were larger now, only six irregular panes. My view was clearer, each time.

This time, I was on the parapet speaking on only on duty and faith, the honor of following her, and how happy I was to serve. I did not speak of my love. I was not as muddled this time, and could feel Tyr's support as we fought. The battles went as before, but this time we both spotted the immanent fall, and we made it out safely.

I found her, sadly changed and wounded, months later back at the Keep. She greeted me warmly, but no more than that. She seemed afraid of people, and avoided the temple and the shrine, and all who were of them, including me at first. Still a stout defender of the Keep and its region, something seemed broken. I grieved for the young woman I'd known, and wondered what had happened to her. I tried to ask, many times, but she always turned the topic to the Keep and duty. Over the years, we had defeated a number of threats, both to the Keep and beyond, and I had a full life. But we had nothing more.

"_This could have been your path, that of the hero..._"

x x

"NO!" I found myself shouting.

"No, what?" my proctor asked. "You wanted her to survive. She did, you did, the war was won. Your duty was done, and done well. All is well, right?"

"I..."

"And this is the next potential path you could have chosen," the celestial continued after only a pause.

The glass window was only a single pane now, and I found myself standing next to it, looking in, or looking out, I didn't know which it was anymore.

I was back on that damned parapet, and she was looking at the empty village.

Strangely, I was beside myself, half afraid of how I'd screw this one up.

"My Lady?" I was saying, not sure of what I was going to say next.

She turned towards me, with a half-smile, "Yes, Casavir?"

"You really should rest, my Lady. The battle will be rough tomorrow, and you need to set a good example."

No, you fool!

She stopped smiling, and turned outward again.

I reached out, and so did the other me, who then let his hand drop. I reached out angrily instead, to punch him, and found myself pulled in as soon as I touched him.

This time, I reached out, and felt the warmth of her shoulder under my hand. This time, I knew what I wanted to say.

"My Lady? I'm sorry, that is not what I really wanted to say. Duty and responsibility are on my mind, too much it seems. Or at least it is easier to speak of," I allowed myself a smile.

She turned back to me again, and smiled, "You, too, huh?"

"Yes," I admitted, "I fear I am tongue-tied when I wish to speak of other things. No matter how badly I wish to say it...

"So, please forgive me, if I say this poorly."

"Of course," she grinned briefly, "I've put my foot in my mouth often enough, to forgive you easily."

My hand was still on her, and I found myself looking into her eyes, unable to speak, or even to breathe. I stepped closer, bringing both arms up into an embrace. Our eyes still locked, she smiled slightly, and I leaned down to kiss her.

It was sweetness, and joy, and coming home from the wilderness. We were both clinging to each other, and it became much warmer, and I forced myself to lean back, even if only a little.

I said hoarsely, "I want more for us than, just duty."

She smiled, "You said that very well, my paladin."

With another silent kiss, we wandered inside, and didn't get as much sleep as I'd once hoped.

The next morning, even with the broken gate and the desperation of defending the keep, I felt I could wrestle a giant. I still stayed close, as did she to I, but we traded smiles in the few slow moments, to the amusement of our friends. I could even feel pity for the broken shell that had once been a ranger, even as we killed him.

Once Qara and the ranger were dead, she dumped out one of her magic bags, saying, "Maybe we can do something once this is over. Take anything you want, especially healing..." And she began stuffing the corpses in, not avoiding doing further damage, though it looked like she wanted to be sick.

Closing the bag, she looped it carefully to her belt, even as the Shadowking arrived. And this battle went as before, the duplicates, the portal, the ceiling falling, but we both ran through together, no delays.

I collapsed to the ground when I found myself alone in the plaza of an elven city.

I made it back to the Keep, and did my longest vigil, the months of waiting until she returned. I even snuck into her suite, just to be near those things she'd left behind. Father Ivarr could only tell me that she lived, was nowhere near here, and was trying to return. Nasher wanted to declare her dead, but with some support from the Temple and the Greycloaks, like Cormick, I was assigned Deputy Commander. So I could hold her home, while I waited.

I did little but hold the Keep for her and pray those eternal months, when one winter day she was at the Outer Gate, according to what one of Wolf's kids told me.

We met at the Inner Gate, and we were home. I swung her around, noting the new cares that seemed to lighten with every kiss. Back in her room, it was as sweet as the first, and hotter than our last.

The next morning, I asked, "Are you going to make an honest paladin out of me?"

She smacked my shoulder, and said, "Only if you ask me properly."

I did, and we did, very soon. And it was a tale the bards adored. She had been through such trials while she was gone, I shuddered the one time she could bring herself to tell me. And she never spoke directly of it again, but she better understood the darkness that could grow within, even though she was still as good.

To that, she brought out the battered magic bag, I'd last seen at the destruction of Garius, and left it on the table. And she sent for Sand, and after much consultation, she used a rod of resurrection on Qara as Sand cast a geas on the brat. The geas would prevent her maliciousness and would last only as long as she did not grow up. Despite some cinders and harmless flares, the child rested the day or so as she recovered from her rebirth, and stormed out when we told her the basis of the geas. I don't think she even heard that we would help her, if she wished.

We rested a day, and repeated it with the ranger, despite my misgivings. But she was right that he'd helped enough during the war to be allowed his second chance, too. That was a rougher scene, as he summoned his wolf immediately, but the geas cut in and he called it off in a rage. We outlined the terms of his geas, and that, since he'd been executed, there would be no organized hunt. His geas would last as long as he blamed others for the chains he'd made for himself. So enraged that he could only sputter, even though he could not move at first. I told him after he recovered that the Keep was open to him, and we hoped to see him often, before he also stormed out.

The thing that surprised me, was that they showed up, together, in time for Winterfair the next year, both a good bit calmer. With a glint in his eyes, he decked me. My Lady pulled me up to check my jaw, before shooing them off. It seemed they had both finally grown up.

So that was the last legacy of the Shadowking's war, and we could stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. She was the Lady Commander, and I was her Deputy. Our days were busy, as were our nights, and we retired to running the Keep and, soon enough, raising a family. We'd had our happy ending.

"_This could have been your path, that of the beloved..._"

x x

"Do you finally see?" the angel asked me. I was looking in, through the huge glass panel, into the almost-temple.

"Aye. The one who should be fearless, afraid to speak. I spoke when I healed the horse. I spoke to her, when I sought to join her and her cause, instead of clinging to my solo obsession. I did not speak the truth that she was too important... to me, for her to fight Lorne alone..."

I could only wonder how things may have been different, if I had spoken that early. She had been distracted by my dying, trying to get to me in time, so much he'd gotten that free shot for his master Garius.

"No? I wanted us both to live, I wanted to at least be able to try again to speak what I could not say. What could be better? A full heart instead of the emptiness of only duty. Please? I wish I could have another chance. ...I think those are the answers you asked of me today."

I sighed, "I could not admit, even to myself, that my jealousy poisoned the unstable ranger. Even though she never failed to keep everyone balanced, smacking or encouraging as needed. I could not find the words, and kept harping on duty and responsibility instead of what I wanted to say. Even in the last one, the happiest one, I never simply said that I loved her. She had to guess it, like some damn cryptic riddle in the night.

"I freely admit it now, even now that I know its too late for me. I love her passionately, hopelessly, far more than duty, more than anything in my life, may Tyr forgive me..."

I was a fool.

I wanted to cry, but nothing happened, aside from a twitching around my eyes. I took a long, deep breath, and looked around at the images of the Keep, still around me, showing us feasting and chasing children through a merry crowd.

"Tell any who night benefit from my life's lessons, I hope others can learn from it, without going through it themselves."

I was heavy-hearted again, but knew tears would not come, not here. The tower bell was ringing again, and this time, I knew it would stop at thirty-one

"Can I go, now? Please?" I was praying I was worthy to go to Tyr, as I did not know how long I could stand to think about these might-have-beens. But I could not stop watching us, just being happy, as long as I could.

"Yes, my child, it is time for you to go..."

Then I noticed a flood of gold and blue and red light coming from the temple, until the light was white, and the last thing I would see was us kissing...

x x

The next thing I saw was cracked and yellowed ceiling plaster, I heard a noise, and I saw her. Careworn, with a shadow in her eyes I didn't like.

I was in her suite, with a pile of blankets over me in the bed. A pallet was beside it, along with the familiar magic bag. I took several deep breaths, trying to slow them down to normal. We were alone. I was so weak, and could do no more than twitch my limbs, despite all I wanted to do.

"My Lady?" I hated how wobbly my voice was.

She bent over a little, with concern, but I saw nothing warmer in her shadowed face.

"Yes, Casavir?"

I took another breath, and closed my eyes, and said it. "I love you passionately, hopelessly, far more than duty, more than anything else in my life, may Tyr forgive me. I wish I could have said it before."

Her hands were on my jaw, and I opened my eyes long enough to see her, about to kiss me. I could only twitch my hands, instead of embracing her as I wished, but still it was so right to be kissing her.

When I opened my eyes again, she was both smiling and crying. Today only, I could do little more than smile, and say, "Again?"


End file.
